Fandom: EXO (OT12)
Genre: SHEER CRACK
Word count: 1,745
Pairing(s): only hints (okay maybe slightly more than a hint of taoris)
Crossposted to: Tumblr
Notes: This is all concept and no characterization and it makes me want to die. Sorry.
Disgustingly unbeta'd o-orz...
Written for Lia for her birthday~ <3
Baekhyun was the first to get a twitter after noticing Jonghyun snickering at his phone backstage at an SMTown concert.
"What are you doing, hyung?" he asked, peering over his shoulder at the screen.
Jonghyun finished typing and hit 'send tweet' with a grin.
"Not much. Making some fanartist's day. She's gonna get like a billion pageviews now. She'll have a heart attack. It'll be great."
He walked away laughing to himself. Baekhyun followed him the next day, after being careful to lock his own account.
Chanyeol was inevitably second after watching his roommate browse the site every day. One by one the others followed, some more readily than others, as the idea trickled through the EXO dorm. When Suho found Kai carefully tracking all his pairing hashtags, he sought out every single one of his bandmates and was highly distressed to find them all with twitter accounts.
"It's okay, really," said Kyungsoo, patting the leader on the shoulder as he stood in the middle of the living room, wringing his hands, "We all made sure to make our accounts private and to never use our real names."
"And besides," chimed in Kai from his spot in front of the tv, "You were on Sehun's case just the other day for his texting bill. Tweeting is a lot cheaper."
"Too bad it doesn't work in China though~" Baekhyun sang.
Sehun just glared at him.
Suho ended up getting a twitter to "keep tabs" on his members. The others mocked him mercilessly for his tweets, which occured about twice a week and were all messages of encouragement and gentle reprimands that everyone ignored.
One day when all twelve members were gathered together, someone had the brilliant idea to have Kris translate some of the English EXO-related tweets for them.
"There are a lot of them that look really interesting," argued Chanyeol, who was the one chosen to convince Kris after his initial refusal, since he was closest in height and therefore theoretically less easily intimidated, "They post a lot of pictures, but we can't tell what they're saying."
"Google Translate does not do slang," Baekhyun nodded.
Kris sighed. He did hate to leave a job done badly and... Google Translate? Really? He rolled his eyes and held out his hand to take Kai's phone. He raised an eyebrow at the tracked tags but made no comment.
"What about this one?" asked Luhan, pointing around Kris' arm as they all jostled and jockeyed for a spot near the screen.
After Chanyeol elbowed several people in the eye, Suho had his feet stepped on repeatedly, and Tao was smacked in the face by someone's wildly gesticulating hand, Kris decided to lay down some ground rules. Everyone was to sit in a circle on the floor and take turns picking messages to be translated. The phone would be passed around as needed so that everyone could see relevant pictures. The plan worked fairly well, once the squabbling over who would sit where died down.
"This one," repeated Luhan, pointing at the tweet.
"It's, uh. Wondering how you 'stepped out of the pages of a yaoi doujinshi'..."
Luhan took the uproarious laughter that followed fairly well, barely concussing Lay at all, really.
The group quickly got tired of message after message full of generic "oppa is so handsome" comments, and started trying to find more and more outrageous posts about each other. A few usernames in particular started catching their attention, and they kept coming back to them.
"No, go back up!" said Jongdae suddenly, "That was about Joonmyun hyung again."
The group had slowly clumped together around Kris again, albeit slightly more well-behaved now that they had something like a common goal.
"... 'Looking good, gramps.'" read out Kris, holding up the picture for everyone to see. Suho groaned.
"I don't know who this 'taepeenie' is, but she has a point," Minseok grinned, eyeing Suho's pullover.
"You're older than I am!" wailed Suho, to exactly zero listening bandmates.
They kept Kris translating until someone eventually noticed Tao and Baekhyun curled up at one end of the sofa, fast asleep, and were forced to call it a night.
They refused to let the matter drop over the next few days though, and kept pestering Kris to translate more. They had zeroed in on one group of people who seemed to be the most amusing to them and every time a new tweet would come in, someone would forward the message to Kris for him to translate for them.
Eventually Kai was the one who decided to set up a twitter account just for him and Kris only noticed when he started getting tweets sent directly to his phone. Kai explained (as best he could while dangling a foot off the floor from his collar) that this really was the easiest way to do this since Kris could just translate the tweets onto there and they could all just follow the account and no really this was a much more efficient way and could he please get down now.
"I got the idea from these guys who translate all of SHINee's tweets," he explained once his feet were on the floor, rubbing his neck nervously, "It'd be the same thing, only... y'know... in reverse."
"We know you can't use it when we go away again," explained Jongdae, "But just for while we're here? Please?"
Once Tao bbuing bbuinged at the leader, Kris quickly folded.
The group soon realized that Kris' translations were not enough to understand all the references to "gross sobbing feels" they were getting, so they tracked down a few links and presented them to Kris hopefully.
Kris stared at the webpages in front of him.
"You... do realize that these are stories about us?" he asked, "Written by fans?"
"Yes," said Kai helpfully, "It's called fanfiction. Taemin hyung told me all about it. He said it's great."
Kris dropped his face onto the keyboard.
"You all will be the death of me," he groaned, though it came out more like, "Mygph gpff wbb dpthfm."
After distributing his translated versions of Absolute Chanyeol and Be Human, he was more convinced of this than ever. Baekhyun and Chanyeol were alternating between giving each other an awkwardly wide berth and clinging together in traumatized roommate sympathy. Even worse, after his initial horrified sobbing fit (in which he clung to Kris' arm and swore never to let him leave, ever) Tao seemed uninclined to let the leader out of his sight. Instead, he nervously followed him from room to room while trying not to let anyone notice that that was what he was doing. When Lay finally asked him why he was standing outside the bathroom door, Tao tried to pretend he was terribly interested in the landscape photo hanging on the wall until Luhan took him by the hand and gently led him away.
All discussion of fanfiction died away for a while and Tao even eventually stopped compulsively grabbing Kris' sleeve every time the doorbell rang.
That is, until one day when once again Kai (why was it always Kai?) approached Kris, computer in hand.
"So I think you should translate this," he said, dropping it into Kris's lap.
Kris stared at it warily.
"It's been coming up a lot and we want to know what it's about."
"And who's 'we' exactly?"
Kai neatly ignored the question.
"Oh, I think I heard the door," he said, heading out of the room, "Kyungsoo's probably back with stuff to make dinner. Thanks, we'll be back to read it later!"
Kris looked down at the screen. The title "Arbitrage" sat there and he tried to suppress the rising feelings of unease.
Many hours of horrified hair-ripping later, Kris handed over the finished product and went to go lie down with what was possibly the worst headache of his life. He was woken up from his nap a few hours later when Kai came in and sat down on the end of the bed with his laptop.
"What," he croaked, trying to pull a pillow over his face.
Kai grabbed the pillow and threw it across the room.
"Are you sure you translated everything?" he asked.
Kris, whose brain had actually shut down at certain bits, froze.
"Yes," he said carefully, "... Why do you ask?"
Kai scrolled through the window thoughtfully.
"Only..." he said, frowning, "It's a bit shorter than the original."
Kris thought fast and tried to look serious and leaderly.
"It's the... it's just how it translated. You know, it took fewer words."
Kai's eyes narrowed.
"Also," he added, "I saw what it's supposed to be rated."
Kai climbed over and sat right next to Kris' head.
"Did you censor this?" he demanded.
Kris pushed him off the edge of the bed.
"Why would I censor that?" he asked in his most quelling and impressive voice.
Kai just stared at him over the side of the bed.
"You are much less scary when I know your weak spot," he said, "Let me go get Tao."
Kris sat straight up.
"I can't translate that!" he said slightly desperately, "You cannot expect me to translate that!"
Kai pointed a triumphant finger to the heavens from his spot on the floor.
"I knew it!" he crowed, "I knew you cut the dirty bits out!"
Kris buried his face in his hands. Kai stood up and grabbed the laptop again before advancing on the older.
"Translate the rest," he begged.
Kris shook his head silently, still trying to pretend this wasn't happening.
"I'll get Tao to aegyo," Kai threatened, "I'll read it out loud, translated or not. I'll use Google Translate again and read that out loud."
Kris made a mad grab for the laptop, but Kai was already out the door, picking a spot at random and starting to read. By the time Kris made it out of the room after him and wrestled the laptop away, Minseok and Jongdae were snickering behind their hands, Kyungsoo's eyes were even bigger than usual, and Luhan and Sehun were clutching each other and almost shrieking with laughter.
"You don't even speak English," Kris snarled as he stalked back into the bedroom with the laptop.
"We know enough of those words to get the gist of it, ge," said Lay, wiping a tear from his eye.
Kris was never so glad to board a plane back to China in his life.
OH GOD THIS IS WHY I DON'T WRITE EXO. D8 I feel like I still don't know them well enough to really write them and it makes me want to die inside because too many feels. ... I have no idea why some of them have stage names and some have real names ARGH I just went with what I call them in my head the most. (Well okay not really because I call Xiumin "Baozi" BUT I CAN'T DO THAT HERE)
This is nowhere near as good as I wanted, but I could feel my good ideas slipping away as I wrote and it made me sad. It seems like it ends really abruptly, but honestly that’s as far as I had planned… I’m just not good at endings. D8
Kai is a little shit even to Kris because he’s used to not listening to his leader and Kris is secretly a huge woobie sometimes. Especially if you know his weakness. 8|
Also, EXO-K’s antics give him migraines because his children are well behaved most of the time.
There are literally only two tiny bits I like at all in this entire thing.
Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LIA sorry I can't do better
while writing this thing:
- me: ... What's something annoying that someone in EXO would do that Suho would have to have words with them about?
- Lucy: *lies across my lap*
- me: No really, I need help.
- Lucy: I'm sorry, you mentioned EXO and then I thought of Chanyeol and got distracted.
- me: GET OFF MY LAP. I AM TRYING TO WRITE.
- Lucy: I'm a caaaaaaaat!